WHAT A BAD BLOGGER!!

This is my first post in almost a year.
Guess I'm just not that interested in myself or what I do.
In a nutshell...... I have left my job at Sharper Image, got a new one. Went to Portland, realized I'll always love Scott. Chose not to do anything about it.

If there is anyone out there..... I'm lost.
Feeling like I'm falling through space.
Don't think I'm on the right track but I don't know what direction I want to go in.
I see my friends moving on and I've got my thumb up my ass.

Think it's time to start working things out.

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My mind is not on the present.

I am still in Amsterdam in my head and heart and I am thus feeling very distant from the here and now. My common sense advises that I snap out of it but my heart wants more of the life I witnessed in Amsterdam.

I wonder if I would be a fool to explore relocating to Amsterdam for a year or two (or forever). Surely the day to day life would be a much different experence than my visit.... yet it still seems such a wonderful adventure.

So I wallow in my longings and desires.... all the time aware that a piece of my heart was left behind in the most beautiful city I have known. I feel incomplete.

On a completely seperate topic, Kevin is missing.

For all I know he and Padme are still holed up in that dark, dank apartment at 4226 20th st, however I have had no contact with him in weeks and I am beginning to wonder if he hasn't left for Texas to live with his Father. Part of me wants to go check on him and part of me wants to be rid of him for good.

I have taken care of him for several years and resentment grew deep roots in my heart... yet the resentment can never overpower the love I feel for him and Padme. I've given up hope for and in him.... but still I want him happy (or as close to happy as he is capable of being) and healthy and safe.


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(sigh) He sighs.

I'm having a hard time getting into the groove today. My mind is somewhere over in Amsterdam. Thinking about my adventure has become a bittersweet passtime for me lately. It'd be fair to say I've been a bit of a bitch about readjusting to life in the states.

A large part of my problem is that I find myself disliking my job more and more with each passing day. I know I deserve to be making more money for the work I do and it's a bitter pill to swallow that we're not getting raises this year. Not even a cost of living increase.

Another issue that I'm dealing with is my drinking. It's getting a little out of hand. Not that I am in danger..... but a cool down will suit me. I think I've been drinking more after my trip because I really have been depressed about what I'm lacking. But drinking away depression is dangerous and stupid. I'm going to go sober for the next month.

Anything good happening? No. Not really. Not at the moment. Maybe around the corner.

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I had my "date" with Tom last night.
It didn't go as well as I'd have liked it to. I guess I'd built up some expectations for the meeting and they didn't pan out. Not that it wasn't nice to see him.... it really was. He just seemed to be a bit disinterested and I was struggling to keep the conversation going.


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I don't come around too often anymore. I should change that.

I just got back from my first trip to Europe. It was an amazing two weeks. Like a short lifetime..... I went to Amsterdam to visit Jason. It'd been almost 2 years since I'd seen him and I really couldn't wait. Jason is one of my favorite people in the world. He's charming and fun. Didn't even realize how much I missed him until he walked up to me in the airport and my eyes welled up.

We spent the majority of our time wandering the city and smoking joints. I was totally in love with the city. The architecture and the layout of the city are so old and charming. The people are warm and laid back. What I really fell in love with was the canals. They just took my breath away.

Lots of bike rides around town, sometimes in the middle of the night..... everyone seems to ride bikes.... lots of sitting and people watching.... lots of joints were burned down.

We also did 4 days in Berlin.
Berlin was kinda cool. Big and spread out.... it was like all 5 Boroughs of New York wrapped into one place. The juxtoposition of the old with the new, as well as the old and the blown up (USA! USA! USA!!) was jarring. It was hard to get a grip on the city in that respect. One building was over 100 years old and the next was less than 30.

Oh, and I met a man in Berlin. He is German and he lives in SF. I have a date tomorrow........

All that aside..... I'm still working. Thinking it's time to look for something new..... sometime soon.

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Happy Valentines Day.....

I'm not going into reasons why today can suck. I'm just going to spread some love.

Y'know how things come and go in waves? And how sometimes energy effects everyone around you in the same way? Well..... that's happening now.

I'm watching people go through breakups. I'm watching people breakdown. Love getting lost, jobs getting lost, eviction notices on doors. Everyone trying so hard to make it through today and meeting roadblocks, both real and emotional.

It's just one of those times, my loves.
Thats just how the planets are lined up right now.

All we can do is try to slide to the other side.

Slide.

I love you and that makes me complete.

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Y'see..... I just find blogging on Myspace easier.... though too many people can access it. I almost forgot about this place....... looks a little dingy. Maybe needs a wipe down.

Things are going. Not going bad. Not going good. Life is just kinda going and I'm carried by it's current from one day to the next.

I work a lot. I work too much. My jobs have become an opression on my playfulness.... but one I've accepted because it will get me to Amsterdam this spring/fall....haven't decided which one yet.

I think I made a mistake recently. Several mistakes recently.

It's got me thinking about wants and needs and the lengths we will go to feel like we're not alone in the world. That is all I want to know when I go to sleep at night..... it is all I need when I wake in the morning..... I want to know I am not alone. I want to know that my actions will bring love (in any capacity) into my life. I want there to be friends who smile when I walk in the room and I want to occasionally know the touch of a lover.

And along the way, in search of what I want and need I make mistakes.

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